COVID-19 and Depression: It’s Affecting More Than Our Physical Health

I’ve battled with bipolar depression since the birth of my son.

I went off to college 2 months after finding out that I was pregnant. Initially, I felt like my life was over, and all of my hard work over the years was for nothing. I became just another statistic, young black girl, pregnant before graduating high school. However, after praying and being poured into by a dear friend of mine, whom is now the godmother to my son, I decided that not only would I keep the baby, but I would also go off to college like I originally planned to.

My first semester was not easy. Imagine being 5 months pregnant, living in a dorm room with another person, your first semester of college. It was rough, but it was nothing compared to what was to come.

I gave birth in my hometown, and then moved back to Gainesville a month and a half later. It was just my baby boy and I in an apartment on campus. After a few days, I realized that I hated my son, and I hated myself for that. My depression became so bad to the point that I decided that living was pointless, and I’d rather be dead. I began seeing a counselor on campus, but she referred me to another on-campus counselor because she had no idea how to “help me”. Throughout my day with her, she just kept saying, “I am so sorry, I can only imagine what you are going through”. This was the same with the next counselor. I was then referred off-campus to an actual office. They diagnosed me with Severe Postpartum Depression. My experience was just as bad. I saw her twice before I decided to not go back. She spent the entire hour talking about how her husband did X, Y, and Z for her and made it easier to handle. As a single mother, I didn’t have this option. I had no family in Gainesville, no friends, no one. It was just me and a newborn baby.

I dropped my classes and spent 2 semesters learning to love myself and my son. I’d go to work, pick him up from daycare, come home, and do everything I could to learn to love my new life as a single mother.

After a while, I realized that the issue wasn’t my son, but it was my fear of being alone. I’d went from being surrounded by family and friends to a city filled with people that I didn’t know. At work, I was the youngest; the job required a bachelor’s degree, yet I managed to talk myself into it. As a result, I was surrounded by people that didn’t accept me. One of my coworkers referred to me working there as “disgusting” because she didn’t understand how someone half her age was working next to her.

After realizing that loneliness was the issue, I went out and searched high and low for my tribe. I tried connecting with as many people as I could, and before I knew it, I was better, I was OK. The darkness lifted.

However, it’s back. After losing my job due to COVID-19, I kept faith that everything would work out, which I still believe. This doesn’t change the fact that I am stuck staring at the walls, watching Netflix, eating more than my stomach can hold, and yelling, “NO” all day to my 2-year-old. There’s not much that can be done with a stay-at-home order. The things that I would do to pull myself out of my depression are impossible now.

No one is raising awareness to how people that battle depression and anxiety are dealing with being enclosed all day, every day. We are not OK. As time passes, it gets more and more difficult to overcome, to fake smiles.

COVID-19 is detrimental to our physical health, yes, but it is also tearing away at our emotional and mental health. Keep praying, keep meditating, we will get through this.

Check on your loved ones. Some people don’t even realize how isolation is affecting others because their lives haven’t changed much. They’re still going to work, ignoring the “social distancing” and stay-at-home orders, and they’re in a house filled with family members or roommates.This is not the case for many others. We have been laid off, we respect our duty in flattening the curve, and we either live alone or with our kids, whom need to get out just as much as we do.

Remember, a call or text can save lives.

Originally published at https://not-so-perfect-mama.com.